Water Bottle Bomb …don’t leave home without one!

Some families worry about being stalked by weird relatives, odd friends, strange neighbors or sales people (evangelical or otherwise) who regularly drop in and create havoc. This despite numerous attempts to discourage such interruptions, the stalkers persist visiting regardless. We have one such regular visitor, less normal than the rest and still not identified as belonging to any particular denomination…a porcupine.

We have one such regular visitor, less normal than the rest and still not identified as belonging to any particular denomination…a porcupine.

Yah, okay, laugh as you imagine I am making a mountain out of this molehill but believe me this is no ordinary porcupine. This is porcupine “a la Schwarzenegger”…this thing has got to be the size of a small couch…I kid you not!!! It is literally three feet high and almost as wide. This creature is built like a MAC truck. Tanks in the army are not as resilient as this fellow.

Furthermore, I know this critter suffers from a personality disorder as there is no way a normal animal would keep returning to our home, night after night, after the many efforts made by this family to discourage this mooch. There is no way our garbage tastes that good. With nine kids there is very little ever left for the garbage. Not to mention the two babies at our house both still sporting disposable diapers (“yummy” pickings in our garbage). There is only one word for this intruder….DIABOLICAL.

This creature is built like a MAC truck.
Tanks in the army are not as resilient as this fellow.

It is one thing to attract hangers-on but to consistently show up garbage or no garbage is an obsession. While starving on the very slim pickings in our garbage to then want to continuously sort through the same trash over and over again (despite the pungent odour of bad diapers left for days in weather where it has been 90 degrees or higher) means this animal is not normal.

I am convinced this porcupine is a spy. I wonder sometimes if it actually works for some nosy neighbor who wants to know more about the weird people with the nine kids.

The notice given to the porcupine of “YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE” includes spraying it with a power washer, hitting it with a hockey stick, fighting with our golden retriever (yep 120 some quills later), the 16-year-old launching a bicycle pump rocket-style at its head and numerous occasions of “frightening” it with sound (beyond just the frightening noise of nine children). This thing is not only impervious and tenacious but waddles around the property (day and night) as though it owns the place. I think it is biding its time until a real meal is served… like someone forgets that the 6-year-old is still outside.

Fighting with our golden retriever (yep 120 some quills later).

Recently I was out-of-town with all the younger kids (7 of them) and came home at 1:00 am from a four-hour drive. Made plans to exit the vehicle and start carrying the little sleeping bodies in, one by one. I head to the front door with the two-year-old passed out in my arms and suddenly I am aware of an ominous shadow on my front doorstep (I am now less than two feet away). Uh-huh, it is the demon himself. I run back to the van not before the 12-year-old (who was with me) SCREAMS at the top of her lungs waking up the entire van (who now in unison are all howling). So I turn the van around, drive up onto my lawn and shine my headlights on “bright” only to discover the animal is ensconced on my doormat totally obliterating my doorway.

Is it possible that the creature finally got the message?

A moment of brilliance struck as I rummaged through my vehicle’s contents (swimsuits, towels, garbage, balloons, books, Legos, Barbie’s, crackers…etc.) and found a nice, icy cold, FULL (unopened) 500 ml water bottle.  I hurled the water bomb at the door. The critter moved the fastest I have ever witnessed before and beat a quick retreat into the bushes.

I am happy to report that in the five days since the water assault on this animal there has been no more porcupine sightings. Is it possible that the creature finally got the message? Or perhaps the beast is scared of cold water, or it is in neighboring brush nursing a concussion with the water bottle Either way it is not here and I am delighted.

Or perhaps the beast is scared of cold water, or it is in neighboring brush nursing a concussion with the water bottle.

Memo to self…always travel with a full water bottle. It is true water is good for both your health, your state of mind, your body and apparently the safety of your entire family and how. Who knew?

A well-watered Garden-Goat

Like me on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/GardenGoatQuote

VOTE for Garden Goat at: http://www.circleofmoms.com/top25/Top-25-Moms-With-Big-Families-2012#_

Fish Don’t Matter

On the way to drop my 17-year old at his part-time job, in one of those conversations where the parent feels a real connection with the kid (i.e. in the absence of the usual grunts and guttural sounds barely indicating positive or negative answers to any question posed by the parental management team) a list of endless activities were being recited when tucked in between school work and sleep was an odd errand. “I need to buy a fish.” Okay, I did not think this child was still in biology…oh I get it…Halloween. Hmm, this nice kid of mine must be planning some horrible prank in which one of his lesser peers will be forced to likely swallow the fish whole.(!!) Or worse…just the skeletal remains of the creature. Or some other poor classmate find it in their lunch at school, or perhaps this fish was destined for greatness as some unsuspecting teacher might find it at the bottom of their morning cup of coffee…(icky just the thought).

Since the 17-year old feels like chatting as I drive this kid to the gym I remind him that I do not want any more pets at my house beyond his brothers and sisters. Broad grin from this kid, “no Mom, I need it as a pet but not at home.” Sure. This child has a complete other life he keeps secret as with eight siblings he dare not say anything that he does not want made public as three of his siblings attend the same high school. A fish-pet, but not for enjoyment at our house…what is the point? “Well…is there something you want to tell me?” I ask this boy in the hopes that the confused look on my face will help to elicit more information. “Is this pet a replacement for some evil ritual killing I knew nothing about?” Posing this question has its risks should the young man decide to let me know more than I really need to know about his personal life. “No mom, I just need to have a fish.” Great… “need” whatever could one NEED a fish for?

Okay, I ask what kind of fish is required. All of a sudden too many questions…this lad of mine answers with “I just need a fish…oh and maybe a fishbowl”-Well I am now completely relieved because purchasing a fish and bowl seems almost normal. No ritual sacrifices, no plans to intimidate peers, no evidence that it will be used to torture the siblings…then again this fish will not be “living at home.”

Where do you plan to keep the fish? Thinking to myself that the boy only has his room (which is ruled out if the fish is not for home), his gym bag and occasionally borrows our car. The answer “in my locker”-what complete with water bowl and food I ask? I thought the school had rules about that. Answer back “they won’t know.” I thought you shared a locker with some girl. “I do.” Nice – the lovely couple is going to raise a fish in a high school locker. (??) What happens when it smells because you did not change it or feed it and then the vice-principal calls me…again?  “I will get another Japanese Fighting Fish and it can dine on the rotting fish.” No…really? What is the point in that I query the now-quiet-teenager for even more info. “Well, we are not allowed to fight at the school so fish fights in my locker are an alternative attraction…and the girl I share the locker with is “up” for it.”-

Next I launch into a rant about how unfair it is to keep a fish in a locker period. Never mind organizing fish fights for peer entertainment or to raise oneself socially in school. It is UNFAIR to the fish. We are now at the gym, the 17-year-old is back to totally ignoring me…as he steps out of my car I ask “why?” this kid answers “You don’t get it Mom…it’s because fish don’t matter!”

As I pull out of the parking lot I am much more disturbed than I was when set out to take this child on his errands. How did I raise someone who honestly believes…”fish don’t matter”! In an attempt to get an honest night’s sleep I put it down to something I cannot ever change…inherited insensitivity from the father’s genes.  Memo to self…make sure the other children value life…even if it belongs to a humble fish.

The Garden Goat